Honesty always pays(were you ever paid??)

There are things which aren’t meant to be said in a relationship and some which are meant to be(according to a friend of mine). How do you make that choice? Does your choice depend on the outcome of what you say or the path taken so far in that relation. Are you bound to be honest or to make sure you avoid any pain as a result of being honest? It takes a load away from this weak heart if it is to say out what it feels no matter what its consequences are. What if you are to carry that load all through that relation, would you be the same? Would there not be a day to see when it cant take it any more and as a result breaks down.

Shouldn’t a relationship be open enough to accommodate frankness. Being choosy of what you speak(you still have to know how to speak) will save you the pain, but doesn’t that kill the basic essence of a friendship, that is the freedom to be what you really are. You are good until you choose to speak your heart out(until then you choke yourself to death), when the inevitable task of being what you are arrives , all the good associated to you is erased and all you are left with is a tag of a mean,heartless person with a loose tongue.

Which is better, speaking on the face or at the back of that person. Experience says its better to bite that person from the back rather than bring the truth on to that face. Because people don’t really care if you speak in their absence(said with a wrong intention) but it really pricks them for speaking in front of them(even though everything said is with a right intention). People only hear what is there to be heard and ignore what is there to be felt.

You are tormented, tortured & insulted to make you realize what you have done for the only forbidden mistake you made was to be honest. The past is forgotten and the future of the relation is in the path of hatred with the present filled with an effort to end the relation rather than mend it. Whatever you say or do after that is like twisting a knife sharpened at both ends,  hurting both the hands. I have always heard that honesty pays, but never ever did anyone mention what you are paid with. Now its easier for me to see that after being paid back in plenty.

Often people prefer living in a lie called normalcy (in a relation), the only fact they never see is that they are sitting on a dormant volcano waiting to explode any time , leaving no room to vent out any pressure.So after reading this has it made it easier for you to choose? Relationship is a hard science to understand, so how much ever you try, you end up hurting yourself or the other person or both(most of the times). It’s how you handle that situation from there and move forward. Of course, that should not stop you from being what you are because a friend is one soul with whom you can be what you truly are. Without friends life will end up being a drama rather than what it is meant to be,a beautiful journey.

The final nail in the coffin..

Continued from ‘Life is designed by the choices we make 3′

Love is a funny thing. It isn’t easy to find it,when you find it then it isn’t easy to keep it and when you manage to keep it, it leaves you and when it leaves you it isn’t easy to get over it. Being a guy I thought it would be a lot easier only to realize it was the other way round.

It took me months to accept the fact that it was all over and I had to move on. It was a painful period where we were still speaking to each other just for the sake of not forgetting. At least she had a chance of forgetting me with that moron beside her. I was all alone, angry and frustrated. Everyone around were happy except me. My parents looked happy because they didn’t have to worry about her anymore, her parents were obviously happy and she looked happy too for reasons I didn’t want to understand. I knew every path that led to her house, the secret paths which I used to take to drop or pick her up, but didn’t have the courage to take the last few steps into her house. Foolishly, I kept staring at her house from far and tried to recollect those beautiful moments I spent with her there.

And few months later I looked at both of us and realized how much I was left behind. She fell in love with that moron and she looked so happy. That’s when I decided it was time to move on. I wanted to relish those sweet memories of her. I went to every place which reminded me of her. After which I decided I would move on leaving everything behind and carry just those beautiful moments. But life had different plans for me and it brought my hopes crashing down.

Fate brought me in front of a bitter truth about her which changed everything. Until then I imagined a thousand ways in which our relationship would end and this certainly wasn’t one of them. The feeling of being betrayed struck me like a lightning waking me up from a beautiful dream and threw me into this harsh reality. My whole past seemed to me like a lie. I didn’t have the courage to look back, I didn’t have the strength to stand where I was, I didn’t have any hope left in me to move ahead. I was stuck in that moment of truth.

Months went by, I sat for hours in my room staring into the darkness in silence. I forgot to smile, I forgot to dream and i forgot to live. I deleted every memory of her hoping it would just bring everything back to normal. But that didn’t undo whatever she did to me. Every beautiful moment in the past 5 years was overshadowed by this betrayal. Every night I closed my eyes hoping the next day would be a better one only to wake up to a harsh day with memories of her and the guilt of ruining my life with my own hands haunting me . I tried grieving myself to sleep but the tears on my pillow didn’t easy any of the pain. I was all alone even with people around me. I couldn’t speak to anyone about whatever I was going through and all I could do was to swallow those silent tears all by myself with the cruelty of her memories aggravating the pain . Everything around me reminded little of her and more of the betrayal.

Everything in my life started to fall apart, my parent’s health started degrading. My health wasn’t doing that great either, the everlasting gift this job gave me, my stomach ulcer, started getting worse. There were frequent quarrelling at home and if this wasn’t enough, the shit at my workplace got deeper with people screwing me from all sides. It looked as if everything attached to me got infected .Even with these going on, I tried to fool myself and people around putting up a fake smile.

I couldn’t ignore that part of me which loved her the most and a part of me which hated her the most. This feeling of hate & love was tearing me up from inside and turned me  into a maniac, I managed to find a soft copy of her wedding card and put it as my desktop image and added a count-down timer to her wedding date and stared at it day and night waiting for that inauspicious time to arrive.

Light at the end of the tunnel….

Shattered ambitions, dampened hopes, obsolete dreams, testing moments, heart-breaking betrayal, relinquished trust, constant humiliation, soothing friendship,parasites and learning of a life time.  On my first day in this company, a very senior person said one phrase which I still remember ‘No Politics’ . It took me a year to figure out what he really meant. It was ‘Know Politics’. I prefer not to elaborate much on this, as it would look like someone’s covering his inability to deal with something by preaching against it. I still can’t get along with it and probably not for some time.

At the twilight of this journey every moment here appears to be a special one, irrespective of it being a happy or sad one. Can’t believe this is the same old place which I hated the most and went through each day grumbling & cursing my fate for dumping me here. Not a minute passed by hoping for a miracle to undo whatever has happened so far. Had to go through each day with not many faces to trust around and probably others had the same feeling about me. Fake smiles and opportunism is what I had to deal with  here every day(including my own). It’s such an irony to see just traces of trust in a place which is part of an industry which is built on the essence of team work.  It was hard for me to digest the fact the there is only one way people here chose to succeed and that is by trampling down others. To show that you are intelligent you will have to prove the person beside you is a moron and to prove yourself right you need to prove the other person wrong.

Amidst all the unpleasantness, today when I compare myself to what I was 1088 days back apart from the weight I put on and the thinning hair line there are few things that went the right way. I cannot ignore the fact that this place taught me how to get up when pushed down. This is where I learnt the most important lesson of my life ‘Life isn’t about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and get up’(as said by Rocky Balbao).No matter what came by I grew stronger as each day passed by . This is where I learnt that even in dire straits you can find friends, as long as you have an open heart and ready to put forward your part of trust. I learnt not to be greedy(a question of being greedy can only arise when you try to save, and by god’s grace I never had anything near to what can be called savable, at least till the last few months). And most importantly this is where I could forget half my problems (because the other half of my problems were in this place).

I spent the toughest days of my life here and that is one good reason why this place is so special to me. When I look back all the above said things look trivial. All I can remember are those memorable hours I spent with my friends at the cafeteria looking at every good-looking women (thankfully we didn’t(couldn’t) go further than that).Sneaking out during office hours and landing up in Suraj bar,vennala mess,dominos(prominently it was only suraj bar:P) .Apart from that, show piece coffee machines, stinking washrooms, antique computers, beautiful moms(make no mistake about it ,moms here are prettier than others ), mind-boggling HR policies(I never bothered to read the HR policies as I knew one important note in the policies that ‘HR policies are subject to change without prior notice’ ) dreadful monday mornings(choking tie as an add on  ) , irritating clients and food that was prepared exclusively to be puked & flushed, all these together make this place worth remembering.

I hold no grudges against this place for I made only friends and not foes here . I gained more than what I lost. Missed out on a good start to my career, but I certainly got a learning of a life time and a direction which I can live with. If only people here are matured enough to make out the difference between Business & Exploitation, Use & Abuse, friendship & opportunism this place would be worth coming back.

Life is designed by the choices we make…(3)

She shut the door behind us, before I could do any thing she hugged me tightly which was exactly what I wanted to do .I hugged her back in a reflex(what would any guy do when the most beautiful girl hugs him,ofcourse there would be other things that he would want to do but I preferred to just hug back atleast for that moment),I fell off balance. and unknowingly we got pushed to a wall. I was finding it difficult to breath, partly because she was hugging me that tightly and partly because she was hugging me…

She was not that tall, she could reach my chest. She rested her head on my chest and time flew just like that..I was tired from the journey , may be we can do this even sitting ,I wanted to say her  but I didnt want to spoil the moment.She missed me as much as I did,may be more than me..

She lifted her head and looked into my eyes

What?? I asked..she just nodded her head.

she broke the silence..Why are you so disturbed..she asked

Nothing, I am finding it hard to breath can you hug me a little softly… I said..

She giggled and hugged more tightly..May be I would died of suffocation but it was worth it.

I couldnt control myself anymore,lowered my head to reach her and just pressed my lips on her,She didnt stop me she just closed her eyes, she always complimented me that I kiss very well.I didnt know people can kiss differently, its all the same I thought. A kiss doesnt have a taste yet its so sweet. I moved back waiting for her to react…she stood there closing her eyes..now she tried reaching me she was on her toes and trying to reach me I moved away to tease her…she punched me in my stomach..she always liked punching me for fun

awwww…I said..

dont play…she said and closed her eyes again…

It looked like an invitation for something, we lost our sense of right or wrong. I am in the arms of the most beautiful girl and nothing is right or wrong for this moment…We kissed again I cant remember for how long but we reached a point of time when we were breathing so heavily.She stopped and looked into my eyes.I was about to take the next step and I was sure she wasnt going to stop me.

Just then my phone and the door bell rang at the same moment..it startled both of us..we moved away unwillingly..I will take care of the door..you go freshen up she said..

I already felt freshened up with that little exercise…

I looked at my phone it was mom…I said I would call her the moment I got down at the station and I forgot about that in all the excitement..

Hello… I said still catching my breath..

I thought you said you would call me ..mom asked..

Mom, I forgot just reached and was about to call…

where did you reach…  she asked…

To my friends place…just then my girl shouted my name.

there was silence at the other end, and I was silent too..I didnt know what to say..

I wanted to change the subject, what are you doing I asked?

What are you doing?? she asked me the same question…

while I was figuring out what to answer..the next question made it even more difficult…

and why are you breathing so heavily??

My mom was pushing me too hard with these questions…

I just climbed the stairs mom…I knew she wouldnt believe

and my girl called my name again.. both my mom and my girl weren’t making it easier for me…

And to my mom it looked very straight..i and my girl were staying alone, I was breathing heavily and she was shouting my name again and again it was very obvious to anyone..

I just remained silent hoping the storm would pass by…

we will talk when you come back and dont call me until you reach here she said and hung the phone…

My girl shouted for me again..What?? I shouted back…

What happened?? I was looking for you…she said softly

I didnt say anything.she came close to me and placed her palm at the side of my face. She always used to do that, she knew I liked it..it felt so warm and safe when she did that .
Go get ready we are getting late for the movie…

What movie? I didnt come here to watch a movie… I said sadly

I know,  but we still have time after that and she stopped half way..

What did you come her for?? she asked wearing a mischievous smile..

I came here to talk…I said seriously..talk about our future…

Her expressions changed…she looked worried..

What happened?? I asked…

nothing go get ready we can talk after the movie. she said and walked away..

I didnt even know which movie we were going to, I was much bothered about what we were going to talk after the movie..

I got ready in a short time and she too..she never spent time on makeup like most girls do.. but she always made sure she looked pleasing..atleast for me..

While i was waiting in the hall for her..she came out with a pink top and black trousers..she swept me off my feet..

I just stared at her ..

you can watch me all day, come lets go..she said and dragged me out of the house..

she took me in a public bus…all the way she just held on to my arm with both her arms, resting her head on my shoulder.We didnt speak much,we didnt have to. All the pain from past few months due to work just faded away in an instant.we reached the theater, it was a telugu movie.

Like always I rested my head on her shoulder and played with her fingers.. I always liked to play with her fingers… and I didnt know when the movie finished.. she took me to Mc Donalds after that.We had our lunch there and had our favourite dessert soft-serve chocolate.. we always used to order one and share it..

What next? I asked..

there is a beach down the road lets go there..

I just nodded.Didnt care where she was taking me,as long as we had enough space to talk..

It was just down the road the beach was beautiful waves coming in and there was a cool breeze blowing across the beach, a perfect place to spend sometime with her I thought

It was almost evening.. we found a bench and sat there..she again held onto my arm and rested her head on  my shoulder and I was already holding her hand and playing with her fingers…

Someone had to break the ice, I was waiting for her to do it..

so wats next? I asked casually..

Ice-cream she said..giggling ..

I am talking about our lives idiot..

I got the same silence i used to get in the phone when I asked her this question..

I asked her the same question again. she moved away and didnt look into my eyes..

I dont know how to say this to you hari..my parents fixed the last guy who came to see me last month.

Those words hit me like bullets in the heart…I was stunned for a moment, got hold of my senses and unknowingly my eyes started to water..

I was silent now, “I thought that didnt work out..they never called back…”

“they called a week back and everything got fixed in this week.” she said with a sad face..

“And you are telling this to me now?? After everything is settled?”..I asked.

“I didnt know how to tell you, I wanted to tell you when you came here..” she wasnt looking into my eyes yet

“What difference would it make if you tell me now.. its still the same”..I said disappointed that she hid it from me.

“And when all this was happening you didnt say anything to your parents??”

She just nodded…

“Great, you loved me more than anyone else…but you didnt love me enough to give it a try and speak to your parents about me..and I like a fool kept changing my life just to be with you.One day you wanted to go for higher studies, I never wanted to before that but the moment you said that I decided I would go too.. and we made our preparations together,wrote our exams together and a week later you said you didnt want to leave your parents and go for higher studies..Even then I didnt think for a second and dropped those plans right away..

At every point in these 5 years I just played with my life just to be with you.I should never have trusted someone who never spoke about our relation to anyone not even closest of friends..i should have realized it then …

I didnt look at her.. I expected she was crying.. I looked back at her..she wasnt crying..she was looking at me …the most beasutiful face in the world for me looked like the most saddest one now..

“How are you saying these things??” she asked.

Its as hard for me as it is for you.I have been crying day and night this 1 week.. and you thought I was waiting for you yesterday night when you called me?

Yes I waiting for you, you knew only that,,,but what you didnt know was I have been crying for hours…

Things wont work if you cry..you have to try..I said bluntly

I cannot hari why dont you understand?

What should I understand.. a girl who says I am everything to her.. who lets me kiss her who lets me touch her.. and loves me to an extent that she is ready to stay with me alone for a night.. but she cannot talk about me with her parents??

What should I understand from that?? you tell me I will understand then…

you know how much my mother likes you hari..she treats you like me and my brother…you know what she will go through if I tell her about us.We have been cheating her hari,not you alone even me.She used to let me go out alone with you trusting us.And my parents will never accept a guy from other caste hari.. i know that… I have told that earlier too.. and on top of that you know what my dad is going through..

I almost forgot..her family was going through a very tough time.. her father had some serious professional problems and nothing was going right for her too.

And even with all these problems.. he wants me to get married ..

I said him that my marriage can wait..until these problems get cleared hoping I could buy sometime for us.. you know what he said..

I dont care about the problems.. your marriage will make me happy to an extent that these problem wont matter to me anymore. You still think i should talk him about you and create another problem for him? Would you do that?

I dont think so.. I know you and am doing exactly what you would have done hari.. you value relations above everyone.I learnt that from you.You must have forgotten  I always do things that i think you would do.. and you did the same too..

I dont know what is going to happen next with me.. but I know i will get through it because you are with me.I learnt so much from you hari.. you taught me how to love.. how to fight.. you think you are a loser because of your job.. but you dont know you are strong enough to go through what you have been going through from an year,…only reason you didnt do anything about it is me.
I am really sorry about that.. I wish I could give back these 5 years to you hari.But I know you wouldnt take that..you treasure these 5 years as much as I do…I didnt make a choice hari,you are my only choice.

I never heard her speak this much.I knew she understood me more than anyone else..but she understood me more than what I could about myself.

I didnt have anything else to speak.. she didnt have either..There was silence all around us.

It was 6 in the evening by now…I rose from the bench and said.. lets leave..

she too rose to leave..

how far is your house from your here..I asked

its just a few miles..

do you mind if we walk back?

She just smiled..

We walked and we kept walking without speaking a word..

we reached her house around 6.30…she opened the door and waited for me to come in..

can you get my bag…I asked

She didnt understand..why?? she asked..

I am leaving..

You dont have to leave hari..shut up and come in..

I just looked at her..

you wont get a ticket now anyways, so come in…

I reached for my pocket and gave her the ticket for the train today..

“I dont believe this, you came this far just for a day.”

I reached for my pocket again.. and gave her another ticket..

it was for tomorrows train..

“I came here to see you not for anything else..” I said

“1 day or 2 days depended on what your decision was.. I wouldnt want to spend a night with someone else’s “to be” wife…”

I could see tears roll in her eyes now.. I didnt move.I stayed calm..I had to go..

“ok just come in, give me 5  mins I will also come with you..” she said

ok take your time.. I am not coming in..i said looking away.,,

she looked at me for sometime..she understood i wasnt going to come in.. she went inside and came out with my bag..

we walked back to the road and took an auto.Not a word we spoke.

we still had an hour after we reached the station…

we sat at a bench ,..

“I guess you should leave,its getting dark, I can manage from here.”

She didnt speak.. she just kept watching me..I didnt want to look at her, if i looked into her eyes I would melt and break down..I wanted to be strong..which I wasnt..

“You know all my life I wanted so many things in my life.. and 9 out of 10 times i lost in getting what I want. but I never felt sad about it because I atleast tried..and that made me happy.You are the one i love the most and I am letting you go without even trying. I feel like a real loser now”

My eyes watered and my voice was shaking , i was finding it hard to breath now…

“I will have this regret through out my life no matter what happens.I dont regret loving you but I regret losing you”

She held onto my arms again…she started crying too…

“I wish I could do something hari.I really wish something miraculous happens and changes everything..I want to be with you hari,only you.” she said still crying..

I didnt say a word…Miracles just dont happen like that…we have to try I wanted to tell..but I couldnt…

Again the deadly silence.

“This guy who you are marrying..” I paused..

She didnt like it..but its the truth,..

“Why did he take a month to decide to marry you??”

“I dont know”, she said..

He must be really blind, I would have married you the moment I saw you..I thought

I know why these fools (only few) consider marriage as a shopping . They see a girl keep her in hold and go on shopping again and choose the best.I dont know if girls do the same but I hated men who did it.If you like someone and like them enough to be your life partner you wouldnt need a month to decide..

I hated him for one obvious reason of marrying my girl and now for this.. I wouldnt leave a reason to hate that guy..

“You want to meet him?” She asked

“No, I meet enough fools daily.Dont want to meet a new one..”I said irritated by that question..

I felt it offended her..I wanted to cover it up..

Look I know he is your “would be” ..I waited.

“And I am your ‘would have been’ “. I smiled hoping she would smile too.She jus gave a faint smile.Though it wasnt funny for me…I wanted to see her smile..

“I need time to get normal and dont expect me to be normal.Someone robbed me of my everything and I cant act like nothing has happened.It will always stick down my throat .I know it would for you too,so until then I dont want to meet him”

“But I also know you would move ahead..thats the beauty of a marriage.. and I hope everything goes fine with you.. but leave me alone for some days until I get normal”

“I need you in my life hari your place is still the same in my life” She said wiping her tears..

Yes, only there is another vacancy now in your life which your ‘would be’ is filling and why do you need me in your life to change your ‘to be’ born baby’s diapers? I said to myself.

My mind wasnt stable, its loving her for a moment, its cursing her the next moment..

She kept speaking…

“And always keep looking at the pretty girls as you always do.I always said I didnt like when you did it before me..but I liked it just because I dont see that spark in your eyes when you look at some other girl. I only see it when you are looking at me and that makes me feel special…you just like to watch beautiful things be it girls or anything else.. “

“I always see you like a child who wanders around the whole day..but comes back to his mom at the end of the day”..she said trying to force a smile.

she never spoke so openly before..

“And always keep that smile on,you have a very sweet smile hari, I mean it.I keep falling in love with that smile everyday and I hope a much prettier girl than me would fall for it as i did”

you are what I need, nothing else…and coming to falling in love again.. enough of a lesson for my life I thought..

I rose to board the train… she held my hand from behind..

“Wait..you dont have to go”.. She said..

“You can leave tomorrow.. I dont want to leave you like this..”

“Is that a worry or a pity??”, I asked.

“If its a worry you dont have to worry about me and if you are pitying me I dont need it either.If you have to pity someone pity yourself, you chose someone else leaving me who loves you the most and will be the one who will keep loving you till my last breath…”

she got irritated..

“its love and you will never understand it and coming to choosing people,I never chose anything hari.I didnt get a chance to choose you were my everything and you are still my everything” She started to say something..but she stopped..

I am clever enough to understand what it is…I replied back

yes you are very clever and thats why you agreed to pay the auto wala in the morning triple the usual amount..

I didnt have an answer for that…was I really that dumb as she said?? I couldnt stop a smile…

she smiled instantly too..

she hugged me softly…and didnt even wait for me to hug back.. and moved away..

“I put something to eat in your bag have it.. you didnt give me enough time to prepare something better” She said..

I watched her for a moment..I could see my whole life in her eyes and it was falling apart…

I boarded the train and didnt even look back…

Life is designed by the choices we make…(2)

I was finding it difficult to find some sleep. May be the episode with Pranav or may be due to my hunger. But was sure it was more of an eagerness to see her, which was supposed to happen in a few hours. I was so desperate to speak to her, even though she switched off her mobile , dialed her number expecting the boring recorded message that the mobile is switched off.

But strangely I didn’t hear a thing, I thought it was due to the signal it wasnt connecting but the signal was strong, I was just about hung up and dial again, then I heard that familiar blowing of air. For a moment I thought it was my hallucination, then heard that same childish giggle at the other end which was breathing life into me from past 3 years. I was lying on the berth I jumped out of it, my head hit the top berth.

Awwww I groaned .

What happened, you alright?? She asked still giggling

I looked up at the berth where that irritating pranav was dozing off..luckily he didn’t wake up..

“Yeah,I am fine” I said rubbing my head it ached after that hit..

I thought you switched off your mobile??? I exclaimed, I tried to keep my voice down, didn’t want to wake up others around..

“hi hi “she giggled.

What? I asked, couldn’t stop laughing ..

You usually are awake at this time daily, so there is no way you would sleep today .and its only a few hours away before we see each other..so I figured out both of us aren’t going to sleep tonight…

“I just switched on the mobile couldn’t stop myself..was about to dial, then you called ..hi hi ” she started giggling again…

I didn’t speak anything, we were total opposites. She was very expressive and I maintained my usual silence, but I liked being silent, because I liked hearing her speak it felt like a cool breeze blowing in a desert .

“You there?” She asked

“Yeah”..I said softly

I give some much action you give no reaction ?? she said giggling again..it was her routine dialogue which was from a movie..

We both laughed again..

I was about to say something. she never stopped..

Tell me, what are you doing? how are your co-passengers?

“Are you interested in my co-passengers in general or anyone specifically” ..I asked

“You know what I mean you dumbo…any pretty girls around??”, she asked.

I laughed..”I was lucky only once in my life and that’s when I met you.After that I didn’t even need that luck again and I am not going to need that at all for the rest of my life..” I said..

Now, she was silent…

Me: you there?

She:Yeah….

Me:Did I say anything wrong?

She: No, I just wanted to hear you speak.

I smiled and could feel her smiling too, we spoke about everything in our lives and time passed away memorably..with signal breaking up a number of times, but we didn’t stop,we kept calling and speaking.. it went on till 5 AM…

She: You are almost there I guess..get down take an auto..and clearly find out the fare..here these auto-walas are real jerks

Me: I will be fine don’t worry

she kissed over the phone before disconnecting the call..didn’t even wait for my response..she must be blushing I thought and I blushed too..

The station arrived in a few minutes..I was all set to get down..pranav was still dozing..he might be getting down at the last station..I wanted my vengeance..I took my bottle of water removed its cap and placed it at the top near his face such that it would topple down when the train moved..then I

quickly got down and ran towards the entrance..

I looked for an auto-wala who didn’t look like a jerk, except that I didn’t know how a jerk looked..I forgot to find that out from her I thought..

I didn’t have a choice..I went to the first auto and told him the place I wanted to go.. he smiled and asked me to get in..

We negotiated a fare which I thought was reasonable..

After I got into the auto I imagined Pranav’s face back in the train with water all over it..i laughed loudly..the driver looked back..I gave him a sheepish look…

I was getting restless it was just 5 minutes since we started, I kept bugging him about how far is it, time to time he was patient any other guy would have thrown me out..

It was 30 minutes he stopped the auto..I got down immediately and looked around for my angel.There she was, standing near the bus stop in a white top.My first instinct was to run towards her and hug her tightly…then I reminded myself this isn’t a movie..I waved my hand towards her…she waved back…I was confused if I should go to her because somebody who knew her might be watching…

She came to me herself..I took my bag and was about to pay.She went to him and started speaking in the local language which I couldn’t make out.I was surprised at the pace which she was speaking.

She learnt it in a short time.She paid him(which I obviously didn’t like)and sent him away.I gave her a disapproving look, she just winked,took my hand and started walking.

Lot of trees around and it was very peaceful.I fell in love with that place that very moment.She stuck to me very closely while we were walking and I was worried about someone watching us.

She said “Don’t worry I fixed things up here,so it wont matter if anyone watches us together”.

I didn’t understand what she meant.But I trusted her.I felt a little better after that, I was itching to hug her but held back my emotions with great pain, we

reached in front of a decent looking 2 storied house the best part of it was the porch it had..it was gardened beautifully don’t know who gardened it..but it was incredible..

At that moment I heard someone from behind call her name,I froze at that moment.I was figuring out my options of running away from there..

She held my hand.

“hello aunty good morning”..she greeted her sweetly..

I was tensed but turned back and smiled at that woman nervously..

“she is parvathi aunty she stays in the next door”, she said to me.

“So this is your brother” She asked.

I looked around to find out if one of her cousins stayed back and whom she was referring to as her brother..

But she was looking at me

“Yeah he just came ” she answered back looking at me..i was still confused…

“Your sister is such a sweet girl, you are lucky to have a sister like her” those words hit me like bullets in my heart…

I didn’t answer her.I just stared at parvathi aunty in disbelief.I looked back at her(my so-called sister) she was trying to control her laugh with her lips zipped tightly.

Now I understood what she meant when she said she fixed things up.I am her brother for today..great!!!

“Bye aunty” she said..

“call me if you need me” parvathi aunty said..

Why will we need you??? I thought

“Sure.”,She said and grabbed me by my hand ,took me inside the house and closed the door behind us.

To be continued……..

Life is designed by the choices we make…

Tiny drops of water were kissing my cheek I stuck my head to the window and was tasting the rain drops, the weather was so romantic. I Wished she was with me right now at this moment.

It was a tiring day as-usual.Worked last night, came in home and had a disturbed sleep as it’s been from an year.Mom woke me up around 5 in the evening(she didnt have to wake me up, i was already awake after jumping out of the window in the same dream I have from past 1 year).

Get ready, you will miss the train she said.

I got up hesitantly, But the very thought of me being at that place tomorrow,worked like a nicotine on my brain(technically I never felt shortage of nicotine in my life, thanks to my dad’s smoking routine).

I freshened up in a flash, the feeling of a memorable and most awaited journey was pushing me, and my destination even more harder.

I almost packed up with great difficulty(I just wished I had wings so that I could just fly to that place in a flash).Mom came in, brought me something to eat. It was my favorite sweet. That made me start thinking, mom bringing me something I like either it was a very good occasion or there is something important that needs to be discussed.

I hoped it wasn’t that second one. She sat beside me, i pounced upon the dish.

Mom: You are going to meet your friends there? she tried to be casual
Me: Yes mom.

Mom: You are staying with them or somewhere else?
Me: obviously with them, why do you ask?

Mom: Nothing, I was worried about where you were staying..

The reason she was asking all these questions became more obvious with that. I was frustrated, why doesn’t she ask me directly..

Me: Mom, why don’t we put that question this way.. Are you going to meet her? Are you going to stay with her? This is what you wanted to ask right?

Me: Yes I am going to meet her,but I am not going to stay with her(I lied, it was already planned, she stayed with her cousins away from her parents. And the whole family was going out for the weekend and she had to be alone that weekend(in fact, she planned it in a way such that she was alone this weekend).

Mom: I never said that, unless you are really going to do that, you wouldn’t react that way..
Moms are really intelligent I thought.

I didn’t want to take the argument further.

Me: Yes,you are right, I am going to meet her and stay with her..

She wore a worried expression on her face.And, I didn’t want to give her a wrong idea.

Me: And it’s not for what you think, I am just going there to spend sometime with a person I like being with most, after you. You can trust me, nothing will go wrong. I just need time to breathe, I don’t get to do that here.

Mom: Do whatever you want, but I don’t like her.

She was really stretching it more than needed..

Me: I know it mom, but I also know that I like her and don’t force me to choose between you and her. I can’t make that choice, you both are equally important to me. You have your reasons to hate her. I don’t need a reason to love her, but I can give you reasons why you should like her. I just want you to know one thing mom, I am happy with her. I am really really happy with her. I can’t imagine my life without her.

She started to say something..I interrupted her..

Mom, please can we talk about this when I come back. Just forget about all this until I come back.Please. I pleaded.

My eyes already started to water..

Alright , we will talk about it when you come back.But be careful in whatever you do there, she said..

I understood what she meant, I just nodded.

She packed me something for the journey.And again something that I liked the most. Mom’s are angels I thought, no matter you love them or not, respect them

or not, they are always by your side unconditionally. And this was the reason for my hope. I knew she would understand that my happiness was with her, and

she would accept her someday.I reached the railway station an hour before, and was waiting impatiently for it. I jumped into it the moment it arrived. It got a side berth. I sat down, it started to drizzle. I liked the rain so much(in fact we both did). I stuck my head to the window to feel the drops, every drop kissing me , just felt like it was her who was kissing me.

Earlier We both decided not to speak until we met, just to keep that eagerness fresh. It was very tough, never an hour passed by in the last three years where we didn’t speak. It was almost like living together. She knew,both of us didn’t have the will to do it.So she switched off the phone after sending me a text.

“Hey sweety, I know we can’t stop talking even for an hour. I like this feeling of waiting desperately for something you really love. I don’t want that feeling to fade away until we meet. So I am switching off my mobile, hope you wont shout at me for this , i wont mind even if you do so,it’s worth it believe me, sleep tight and keep your eyes off any other girl or I will pull those eyes off, if you do so , I am the prettiest, at least for you  :*”

I had to endure this pain for another 8 hours.I looked around at my co-passengers, not for any pretty girls for sure. As she rightly said she was the prettiest ,I didn’t even bother looking at other girls. All were middle-aged, boring people, it was just 9 and everyone were already getting ready for bed.

Luckily I didn’t have anyone in the side berth with me, I was alone. I liked my privacy, I looked outside the window it was dark and it stopped drizzling, lights from far off flashing once in a while reminding me of those twinkling eyes always flashing at me.Cool breeze blowing my hair, it felt just like as she was pampering me as always.

Those eyes were the most beautiful things that life ever gave me(in fact the only beautiful things as far as i remember). All my pain faded away once I looked into those mesmerizing eyes.I hated my life for everything I didn’t have, nothing was right in my life except she being by my side.This didn’t mean life was easy with her, to an extent it was tougher with her as for every decision I had to keep her in my mind. That made it tough, but nothing comes easy when you need it the most.

The train stopped at a small station, it had an almost deserted look. Faraway I could see a figure moving swiftly in the dark,someone was approaching the compartment that I was in. Strained my eyes a little harder, a young guy was sprinting towards the train. Tha train started to move he was shouting something, which I couldn’t make out, I understood he was coming for this compartment.Went to the door,he passed on his luggage to me, I took them and gave him a hand so that he could climb in.  He struggled  his way in.

This reminded me of a movie where a guy does the same for his girl and they stick so close after that when the guy pulls her on to the train.(of course, I wasnt going to do that,at least not to a guy).I moved away the moment the guy was in. He hugged me tightly suddenly, I tried to escape but didn’t want to push him out in that process(started this journey expecting to be hugged by my girl, instead got a pressing from some disgusting (male)stranger, I wouldn’t have minded if it was a girl though)

Thank you buddy he said.

No problem, I smiled.

I am pranav, and you?

Hari..nice meeting you.

I didn’t even bother extending my hand.

You in this compartment? I asked

Yeah, berth number 24… .

Great, you are the one in my side berth, there goes my privacy I thought.Anyways I was going to sleep, so it didnt matter now.We reached to our berths,he adjusted his luggage and sat down. I was waiting for him to go and sleep, but I guess he had other plans.

Pranav: What do you do,hari?

Of all the questions why do people have to ask me this question alone? I hated this question, because I hated the answer for it.

I work  in an IT company Sierra Atlantic(people usually called themselves software engineers, but I always maintained this answer to remind me of the misery I go through daily)

Sierra Atlantic eh? I heard good things about that company, you are lucky to be working there.

(Yes I heard the same good you are referring to, before I joined the company. Then I realized what that good was,coming to the lucky part, you will start believing that word doesnt exist once you enter here  )

What is your job profile,he asked? that brought me back to reality…

I understood it isn’t going to be an easy night by any means.

When someone asked me this question I felt like a kindergarten kid who is made to kneel down for not answering a question which he can never answer, just because he doesnt even know what the question means.

I.. thought for a few moments…searching for a reply that would not lead to another question..he gave me a puzzled look.I changed the subject Which was the

biggest mistake I made that night

What do you do pranav?

I work for HDFC bank he said..

You have an account with us? He enquired..

No, I have it in ICICI..I said..

Why did you choose such an unstable bank,we are the leaders in banking and finance..

I didn’t choose it, my company did..( when did I get a chance to make a choice in the past one year.Here I am shown a finger and asked to choose one from it, thats how my life was progressing)

He didn’t stop with that, he started giving me every minute detail about the bank which only a fool, who is buying that bank would be interested in, how can I explain him that I can’t even afford to open an account in your bank,why would I need those details.

As if he read my mind, he suddenly asked.

Why don’t you open an account with us? You will be really satisfied by our service..like I said earlier we are the leaders…

This is going off limit, I had to stop him, but he never gave me a chance.Even before I replied to his previous question..

Do you have your payslip with you?

Payslip,Payslip,Payslip…the same word echoed in my ears for a few minutes. The most disgusting word in my life, I pretend as though it never exists. I planned it to use it for only one thing in my life. If at all I had to commit a suicide, I didn’t need to write a suicide note, I just had to keep a copy of my payslip with me.

I only opened it once in a month, that too to look for one column in that LOP(Loss Of Pay) sometime I get lucky enough that I am penalized for not following the dress code in mid-nights.

Every Monday when I had to wear a tie, at night 9 I used to get ready with a tie hanging by my neck wondering what would you call a person who dresses up like this in a mid-night.

I also planned to use that tie for my suicide episode if at all the need arised, this is called effective utilization of resources (as my manager always says), a payslip for a suicide note and a tie to hang myself, Perfect!!

Coming back to my suicide note err.. payslip my friends in other companies usually opened it to plan their tax savings. By god’s grace I was spared of it

I don’t have it right now..( I havent planned a suicide yet)

He looked at me as though I was lying..

To make him believe,I said I have it in my inbox. Will mail it to you tommorow.

That should settle the matter for the night I thought.

It didn’t end there,he quickly reached out for the black bag he was carrying.It looked like a laptop case.But I was hoping he would take out something to eat, I was starving and I greedily ate what my mom packed, the moment I boarded the train.

He took out his laptop. I thought may be he wanted to work something on it,I was about to ask him to swap the berths so that I can go and sleep on the upper berth.

He quietly placed the laptop on my lap and looked at me. I gave him a funny look(what does he want me to do, are you going to show me something spicy?? I

wasnt interested in it right now, I said to myself)

He reached out for something in his pocket, at least now give me something that is edible. He slowly pulled out a data card.He was unbelievable, he wanted me

to connect to the internet and send me the payslip right away.

I started rubbing my forehead he was testing my patience, why did I ever pull you into this train in the first place.Should have left you to rot in that station.

I wanted to quickly end this mess, I logged on, the signal was weak but was quiet enough that I could open my mailbox and forward that to him.He snatched away the laptop and started opening my payslip, I looked at him skeptically. I expected what was coming,he wore an expression which I couldn’t figure out, but this was the same expression I got every time someone looked at my payslip. He quietly closed his laptop,packed it , adjusted his luggage and locked it as though I was going to run away with it.

All this time,  I put a blank face waiting for him to say something, he never looked at me. Slowly he jumped on to his berth at the top and switched off the lights.

To be continued………………….

The night never seems to end(2)

Me: What took you so long??

She: Didn’t want to wake you up And I know you would be free at this time(she knew what I would be doing at any point of time)..

Me: Glad that you called, was restless from the time I woke up

She: Hmm…The same dream?

Me: Not only that, it’s my mom. I can’t trouble her daily to prepare everything for me to come here and work for a bunch of idiots.

I was fuming…

She was silent for a while….

She: Don’t worry everything will be fine, after a year or 2 you can trouble me instead of your mom… (She slipped those words again and she didn’t really mean them, it was only to comfort me. Although, it pumped hope into my aching heart)

silence again… both of us waited for the ice to break. I couldn’t take it anymore, changed the subject

Me: what’s up at your end?

She: Nothing, still waiting to be assigned to a project. Between there is a requirement in a project where I have to work in the nights. I should take

it, at least you will have company through out the night. She joked…

Me: Sure, I badly need company. These days I am only living with bats. A pretty girl would spice up things…

Heard her laugh loudly at the other end, may be it was that much-needed little sunshine in my life…

Me: How is the match-making going..(the question I have been asking for months)

Silence at the other end…I never understood that silence and will never too. The world has advanced at rocket speed, man discovered things that none would have ever imagined. What’s the use when you cannot read a woman’s mind, which should solve half the problems in this world.( Of course, the other half of the problems lies in not knowing what to do about it after understanding it )

It’s a daily routine, I ask this question and silence is all I get. She never knew the reason I asked about it. My life was at standstill, and the only way I could move forward was to know what’s in her mind which I couldn’t find out from the past 4 years.

I had to get that answer from her today at any cost…

Me: what should I make out from that silence, you don’t want to talk about me in your home. nor you want us to move forward , you think time is going to answer everything. If that is what you are expecting, then let me tell you something (my voice started to raise).

I can’t leave everything for time to decide and I don’t have that patience anymore. I want you to decide, good/bad I want an answer. Do you know how it feels??…

Everyday I wake up and watch that stupid, moron face in the mirror. I feel like jumping into that mirror and slit his throat. I come here daily not to work, but to be insulted by a group of fit-for-nothings. I pay the price of being a Male-bachelor who has a tag always attached to the face ” Use me for anything”, Eunuchs will be treated better than me in this company.

And the irony is that, knowing all this I can’t do anything about it only because I can’t get an answer from you, for a simple question.

She tried to say something, I never stopped

It isn’t the job that’s hurting me, but my inability to do something about what I don’t like. Because, for any decision I take I think about you first and then about me. It’s you and only you. You don’t understand that, all you want is, me being with you.I don’t have any problems with that, but I need to know what is my place in your life. I can’t live this uncertain life anymore, I would rather stop living it.

I stopped, adrenaline still rushing. I didn’t know what made me speak like that, but it had to come out someday and today was the day. Lack of sleep was acting like a cocaine on me, I can’t remember speaking like this to anyone.

Then came the final blow to the argument, she started crying (here we go…a woman’s ultimate victory in an argument)..

I calmed down, I apologized. She didn’t stop…didn’t know what to speak, hoped that the cocaine came back and I speak something sweeter this time..

Me: When are we meeting?

She: Why? are you not done yet shouting at me, don’t leave it for the time we meet. You can finish it now. I am all ears..

Me: I am sorry; I shouldn’t have spoken all that crap. I am very disturbed, you know me right?

She: Look hari, I never asked you to wait for me or to stop taking decisions

(Yes, but you never asked me not to wait either)

I was silent…

She: I don’t have an answer, neither I can let you out of my life..

(What do you want me to do then, wait for that person in the mirror to come out and kill me instead?)

I was still silent; I didn’t have the patience to push it further…

Me: I said I am sorry, It wont happen again. I promise..

She: How many times did you say that in these 4 years…

She was right, but couldn’t help it .She was the only person in this world whom I could shout at(in fact only person I would want to shout at).It must be strange, but it’s my way of showing people who I care about them the most…

Me: Come on, I have a long night and you can’t keep me feeling like this through out the night… who else I could shout at, those crazy clients?

I could feel her smile, perfect!! I had to hang up before I said something stupid again..

It’s a daily story, we fight over something (in fact we keep fighting over one thing again and again), but at the end of the day both of us are restless until we speak to each other, it’s all you need after a tiring day. I didn’t get the answer, but it didn’t matter as long as she is with me.

Me: Alright, I guess I have to leave now, before some idiot wakes up and starts calling me on my desk..

She was giggling again, that should keep her warm for the night I thought…

A few sweet exchanges and we both hung up.

I came out of the room, a curious guy sitting in the opposite cube was looking at me and was grinning…I ignored him…

“love a girl, you ruin half of your life”. He said still grinning…

“May be, but I have no plans of loving a guy yet and at least not you” I said..that should keep him quiet for sometime I thought and left.

I came back into my location, and it was a complete turnaround. By now everyone in the floor had arrived. It was buzzing with activity.

No mails yet, forgot it was an US holiday so it should be a calm day. Looked around everyone was busy in their own work.

There was that window. Stared at it for a moment, something was pulling me towards it, I looked away. At the other corner of the floor prateek was breaking his head over something. He was the only mate who I used to go to and sit with and spend sometime. He happily listened to me, of course never stopped working while he was talking. It must be a query that he is mulling upon…

Bang…Bang…the phone rang..(I never hear the traditional phone ring; it felt like some drunkard is banging my door to get into my house to bang me too)

Oh man. Not again I just started. I thought

I was still undecided on whether I should attend the call or not…

“Thank you for calling Helpdesk, how can I help you?”..(Why the hell are you calling in the first place ?)

“Hey hi this is Santosh. I was just accessing the application and I don’t think it’s working…” he said.

You must be kidding I thought, put him on hold and quickly logged onto the server and checked the server status. it was still running…(By god’s grace I didn’t have to do anything more than this from past 1 year and I wasn’t going to do anything more than that actually..)

“I think it should work now, can you please try again?” I said (Open up your drunken eyes I thought)..I heard an owl hooting..

I was puzzled, how did an owl make it to this place. I looked around nothing I could see was unusual..

“No, actually your application is working fine. Just that it doesn’t function properly on a Google chrome browser, it’s absolutely fine in Internet explorer…”

Again the same owl hooting…it was really irritating..

“Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience. But you can still use the old browser, I don’t think it is compatible with chrome…”

“Really? But I thought you guys designed the code to be compatible with all the browsers”. The owl hooting again…

(What do you expect? That people design code keeping in mind the new browsers that come after 5 years? If we were that clever enough, would we be working for you?)

“I understand that code should be compatible but this browser doesn’t support it, I apologize I can’t help you at this point, you can send in a special request through your manager for the code change.”(Ask your manager about this, he is going to kick you until you forget that chrome browser)

“Oh no, it’s alright I was just researching on the application. I don’t think it is a serious problem, just thought you guys are always there to help us so I called in”

(Oh really?? You thought we would sue Google over this? You crazy bugger…)

“Alright then, thanks a lot for you help. You were really patient…”

(Yeah, you wake me up in the middle of the night just because you had a fight with your wife on the bed and you didn’t have anything more useful than researching on this useless application used by you useless people, you should call that patience for sure”

“Thank you for calling, Good night” I said and hung up…

I quickly got up to find out about that owl, I couldn’t find it yet. I asked the guy beside me “did you hear something strange a few minutes back?”

“You mean the owl?” he asked.

“Yes?” I said.

“Look into the cube behind us you will find what you are looking for” he said and got to his work.

I looked behind I still couldn’t find it.

Oh God, how did I ever end up in this place I thought,it wasn’t an owl after-all..

A guy was sitting on his chair with feet up on the desk, and was yawning the night out. Why doesn’t he go to sleep and save us this hooting…I thought..

I was exhausted, not sure if it was the call or lack of sleep…

Looked at my mobile, my hands were itching to call her. It’s always good to have a person in your life whom you could wake up at any time to speak to. For a moment I thought of calling, and then decided not to. Let her sleep my share of sleep too, I thought.

I sat down awkwardly on my chair, my eyes started to burn, my back aching, my tummy felt like someone just lit up a cigar in it. Not a part in my body was feeling right and I still had 4 hours left.

I kept staring at the monitor, I don’t know for how long but it felt like ages. The clock showed 6 AM at last, “it’s time for another haunting night” I said to myself .

The night never seems to end…

I was sitting in my location, lost in thoughts and staring at the screen(I don’t know for how long, it certainly felt like ages). It’s been a daily routine dedicating some part of my preciously billed time at work for this. Suddenly, got up from my chair, walked slowly towards the huge glass door(it looked like a big dark pit with darkness looming around it).It was still pitch dark outside.

Upon reaching the door I carefully pushed the lever to unlock the window and suddenly jumped out of it…………………………

Phew…that was a dream, Thankfully. By God’s grace, I never felt the need of someone/something waking me up, few lucky persons have this special add-on feature in life. I looked around it was still dark, I said to myself “it’s time for another haunting night”. Checked my mobile, no call/messages.

Got out of the bed, took a shower. My dad was leisurely watching television(wondered if I could ever sit with him this leisurely). My mom was preparing my dinner, she made sure it was ready on time daily(if she knows what I really do at work?? Hm mm..it won’t make a difference moms are moms).

Mom: Slept well?
(Yes slept soundly enough, that I had to jump out of the window to wake up)

I hesitantly said yes.

She carefully placed my food in the plate and stood there watching me eat. Couldn’t look into her eyes.

Mom: Do you eat anything in the night over there? You shouldn’t stay on an empty stomach for that long.

(Yes, my customers are considerate enough to feed me with their scorns every night) “Yeah, I manage to find something to eat” I said.

Mom: Take care of your health, don’t be so involved in your work. Rest for a while in the night.
Me: (my eyes started to fill with tears…) I quietly nodded.

Mom: Need anything else?
Me: “No” I snapped, hoping she would leave.

She smiled, patted my head softly and left. That made me feel a lot better.

I hurried on with my food, checked my mobile again nothing new, came out with dad escorting me. Dad said “Take care”.

What’s the use, I said to myself

Me: “Sure dad, Bye”

Reached the cab, some new guy was already in it. A new owl in the zoo, I thought. Just as I entered and sat, “You coming to work?” the new guy asked.

I was confused, worriedly looked at myself wondering if I looked like a house-keeping guy.

“Yeah” I snapped.

Hi I am Anirvesh shah, new joiner, he said. I introduced myself.

Anirvesh: I am sorry for asking that stupid question earlier, but people usually come to work with a cheerful face, you looked sober, wanted to cheer you up. Hope I did cheer you up.
(Yeah, thanks a lot you changed my world. Love you Idiot)
I just smiled.

Anirvesh: I am really loving this odd timings of work, it’s so refreshing and I find lots of free time.
Me: Since, how long you have been working in these timings?

Anirvesh: It’s just 3 days, and I am already so fascinated about it.
(Wait for another 3 days, you will start looking for windows to jump out of)
I smiled again.

Checked my mobile again, nothing yet.Wanted to keep myself busy with something else.

Which project are you working in?
Anirvesh: Shit-has meats.

I was staring at him in disbelief, trying to recollect what I just heard from him.

“Excuse me?” I said

He said the same thing again…

Oh my god, “it has to be Schick-haus Meats” I enquired.

“It’s a meat packaging company in New Jersey”

Anirvesh: Yeah, that’s what I said. We support their inventory management system.

Remember what you said, you moron, I thought.

Reached the campus in an hour. And the disgusting security guard appeared out of nowhere, ready to frisk me(Why don’t these people hire women guards, it will be really cool…atleast for me )
Got into the elevator,punched my floor. Stood there in silence waiting for the phone to buzz.Reached my location,logged in checked my mails nothing important.

My mobile started buzzing, it was like the much-needed iota of oxygen to bring me back to life. Sprinted to the nearest conference room(we use these rooms for everything else, other than what they are really meant for)

I opened the door, could hear that familiar sound of snoring, it was vijay. I stood there staring at him for a while wondering, at what time in the night he worked? It was actually a double duty for him, got engaged recently could understand he was living more on the mobile rather than on food…

Then, ran into the adjacent one.Excitedly, I blew some air into the mic.
Got a similar response from the other end, then came a sound of grinning. We both started laughing loudly.

To be continued………

Fools never learn from their mistakes…

NOTE: There has been some serious misunderstanding on the persons involved below, it’s actually an incident which took place in my guitar classes …

I saw this new girl who is very pretty, almost close to my perfect match. I tried to start something here. Of course, by all stupid means.

For a starter, I sent her some meaningless forward mail putting her in bcc so that she would be confused if she really is the intended recipient of that mail. Impatiently waited for 2 days for a reply from her (By this you can safely assume how occupied I am).

Now, I wanted her to know that the mail was for her. Don’t ask me why did I have to confuse her in the first place. I am out of my mind. So, I send her another mail this time. Took care that she knows that it was meant for her .Again impatiently waited for erm…… 2 hours . No response yet. It was killing me.

Suddenly, a feeling of guilt appeared out of nowhere. I started cursing myself for being so foolish (as if this was the only foolish thing I ever did).I really wonder what was god thinking when he was designing my brain(if we actually need a design to build a crap). As someone said everyone is unique in their own way. But, I am still wondering if I can
call this uniqueness or some sort of….. nothing I am just insane that’s all I can say.

Coming back to it, I send her a mail again asking her to ignore my previous mails : . I know you must be very confused if not irritated by now reading this, don’t worry you have company at this point of time I am confused too :X . After that I was waiting for a reply with no luck.

The next day, the unexpected happened she came to me(I was almost on my feet getting ready to disappear from there). She quietly came to me

She: Do you sit here?
(As If it makes a difference if I said I dance here, please come to the point)
Me: I smiled and said “yes”.

She: You are Hari right?
(Yippee!!! she knows my name) Again, a Yes.

She: Got your mails yesterday…
(That’s my girl come to the point, now if you can give me some space I am all set to race from here)
I was desperately waiting for her to complete, all I could manage was a smile, while she completed.

She: I got your mails yesterday and again a mail saying ignore it……(with a strange expression on her face)

I was still waiting for her to complete, realized it’s time for me to speak, putting up that silly face like ever
Me: Sorry, sent it to you by mistake…

I don’t know what I achieved out of this foolish & meaningless adventure, but she spoke to me and the mission was complete, to an extent, of course. She gazed at me for a moment, it was like an eternity for me and all the while I was imagining those sweet words she was cursing me with, and then she smiled and said “Have a nice day!” and there she goes. I watched her leave, waiting for her to turn back but it never happened. (guess it’s bound to happen more in movies rather than in a real life)

err…. it doesn’t end here. again my sacred feeling of guilt came back(why doesn’t it stay with me, if it has to come back again and again so that I am spared of all this mess). I didn’t like the feeling of lying to her(actually I didn’t want this to end). So, I once again put her a mail saying I lied to you and those mails were meant for you, which actually ended my adventure then and there .

The story so far…..

I don’t know the reason for sharing this blog now, but I feel that we all need take out our emotions somewhere. I always liked to pen down my feelings because that’s the only part of the day when I speak to myself and this is the best way I can think of.

Life is a great experience, it’s like a battle field where you learn the fight after entering it. I am one of those lonely guys who likes to live in solitude. People know me as a shy, reserved & simple guy with an everlasting smile. But there is much more beneath that smile.

Lets sum up my life till date. I am a graduate in computer sciences working in a software company. Its been 2 years since I started working, and in these 2 years my career moved at a snail’s pace(if there is nothing else sluggish than that).

The best and the most memorable part of my life, I tumbled down twice in my life being madly in love with a woman. I should admit the first one was out of ignorance at an adolescent age. The second mistake was completely out of my foolishness.The mistake for which I am still paying for but in a way I like this feeling.

You must be wondering the reason this is the best part.Education or anything else in my life taught me a hell lot of useless things . But these experiences taught me everything, be it love,pain,trust,betrayal and everything else that we need to know to survive in this selfish and to an extent insane world, you may find me too critical in using the word selfish but that’s the way it is.

I don’t want to go into details of it, you will slowly learn about it as every part of my daily life is still connected in some or the other way to that relation. You will find me mentioning it more than needed and soon you will be really bored of it .