The strokes of serendipity

The end of an intriguing year is round the corner. The year which changed everything in my life. The year in which I learnt to fight, to laugh in pain, to enjoy the suffering, to take risks for the things I badly wanted and importantly I learnt to live. And the sweetest part of it was to realize how much I love her and in fact I learnt I love her more than what I used to when she was with me . Surprisingly that isn’t showing any signs of bowing down to the force of time. Finally, it is the year which brought me to this beautiful place. And if not for her I wouldn’t have been here, because she was one of the important reasons I came here.

I haven’t totally sunk into this place yet, so what I have is just broken words to talk about it. A place that’s bustling with activity for the first 4 days, which is wild for the next 2 days and deserted on the last day.Wide roads, unpredictable weather, short skirts, mini-skirts and no skirts. A land where beer is cheaper than water,cheesy stink every where,an accent that chokes you, food that kills your taste buds, rules, money, hot girls, clubs, middle finger(it’s as cool as a hand wave) ,ice in freezing water, snooping cops, fuck, ass and bitch(the words which are used as gracefully as hello and hi).

My stay has been exciting so far but not without hiccups every now and then. At a point of time things went so bad that I wanted to go back desperately. And once again if not for her I would have come back like a coward, far away from me her memories still keep driving me forward.

One of the other reasons(apart from her) I came this far was to learn. Be it about myself, life or education it isn’t falling short of my expectations so far. I missed home, that made me realize the importance of home and parents ,which I hardly respected all these years. I missed my friends, that forced me to be a friend first and apparently I made new and rather important ones. My work here was a nightmare(and it still is the same), that pushed me harder and tested my worth instead of insulting my worth. I boozed until I puked and did crazy things, that reminded me of those few principles I laid down for myself long back. I fell sick, horribly sick, that showed me who cared for me . I had a hard time understanding the accent here, that forced me to speak more and listen better( I still remember those initial days where the black lady in the subway would ask me ‘wakaing’…and it took me few visits to understand what she really meant was what kind of sub(wakaing) and I still go to that place to just hear that lady which reminds me how much I have changed)… I don’t have enough time for myself and not enough time to sleep either. This made me realize the value of time and sleep. I manage my time better now and as far as time for myself is concerned, every midnight at around 2 I walk back home alone and those 2 minutes is the only time I need to talk to myself and to keep me going for the next day. I met new people who taught me people can’t be good or bad,it’s only our relations which can take either side. I lost some serious weight. I feel better now, so I look better now. My body feels light and my heart feels lighter. Talking about my heart, every now and then the smoke from my past comes flying into my eyes reminding me the pain of losing her. In a way I feel that’s good for that is making sure I don’t turn into a heartless stone. Finally, the question ‘Did I give up walking for the sake of flying’ keeps popping up once in a while. And the irony is that sometimes I feel I am neither walking nor flying. But it didn’t take me much effort to realize I will have my moments to fly and moments to walk. All I got to do is, wait for those moments.

Although some things still concern me like calls from back home at odd time sends jitters into my life. Choking distance from my best friend gives me restless moments every day. My attempts to find someone to teach me how to write hasn’t gone well either and many more.  However, I realized my life is right on track only when things are not going good. I have to be worried only when things are going my way. My life was never supposed to be easy and I will never let it run easy myself. And I chose this life because I didn’t want to reach that point of time again in my life where I don’t have the strength to look back and no hope to move forward. I have to stay awake to be alive and I would not have ended up in a better place than this to keep me awake. The beauty of this place is its weather, it’s so unpredictable and never constant, it’s more like a mirror reflecting my own life. Every experience here is a chance for me to get better, every second I live here is a step towards being happy from being contended, and every person that comes into my life here is destiny, meant to change my life in some way.

Being single.. Not jingle all the way….

Probably the most desperate one I wanted to write, I wanted to keep it for a right phase in my life and the phase has finally arrived. So why am I writing it now, because a friend of mine asked what’s your status now. Well, that inspired me to write about ” Life without a girlfriend”. Now let’s get some things straight here, when I say a girlfriend, it’s someone whom you are in a relationship with. Usual friends who are girls won’t make a difference if they are in or out of your life.

So the first thing you get back once you are single is FREEDOM. Freedom to do what you like. I am not one of those who speak only from one side. If there are bad things to complain about there are also good things to feel happy about. Let’s talk about the unpleasant things first just because I always believe the ending is going to be happy, so should my writings.

A wise person once said “The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.”. I scratched every part of my body to fit this into a real world context until my girl came and deserted my life. For a guy in a relationship with a girl, courage and freedom are the forbidden words. So with a girl in your life what do you have, headache(you gets loads of this),kisses(probably the sweetest part of this relation), sex(some go to this extent and some don’t, seriously it doesn’t matter, nobody who has loved end up as a virgin, you are banged mentally/physically and in most cases it’s both the ways), mistakes(a guy knows it when he realizes what a mistake it was to love a girl, a girl knows about it because that is what she looks for in a guy to complain about).

You don’t have to spend hours on the phone with your ear, throat, neck, arms and head aching. You are spared of the pain of digging through a woman’s meaning of “I am fine” , “its ok” and so on. No more fights, no more explanations, no more silly complaints about her friends, no more tears( the most effective weapon of a girl and I shamelessly surrendered every time I was up against it).Time, You get loads of time to think about your own life, family, friends, career and so on. Suddenly you feel there are more than 24 hours in a day. And the list keeps going on.

On the other end you see the first downslide in your life when you start feeling lonely. You never knew what loneliness was because she was always with you, no matter how much you grumbled about her presence, she filled in an empty place which completed your life to an extent. You miss those warm fingers tangled into your fingers while walking those lonely streets, all you have is cold air blowing between the fingers. You miss her moist breath around your ear sharing those silly sometimes intimate jokes. You miss those soft arms wrapped around your arm as you walk and the light head leaning on to your shoulder. You miss that person whom you fight with daily and who keeps that child within you alive. You miss that person whom you can wake up anytime in the night or whom you can go out with just to see her. All you are left with is an old picture in your wallet or the wallpaper on your mobile. Although you always complained about the fights, those fights are the beautiful memories you have about her. Those random kisses, tight hugs, irritating tears, purposeless calls, disturbing messages, painfully long chats keep reminding you of the place that’s been empty for some time in your life. Earlier, I boasted about the freedom we have being single, its true. However, what’s the point of having the freedom to do anything you want, when you don’t feel like doing anything. All things said I have to say those days have to be the best days in your life, if not everyone’s at least mine.

So here I am 2 months into logically being single(practically its been more than an year). If I have to write about these 2 months, forget the girl friend ,it has to be about life without a girl. Absolutely away from the scent of a woman, waking up with guys, sleeping with guys(it doesn’t mean literally sleeping with them, thankfully I am still straight), walking with guys, eating with guys, drinking with guys, working with guys…its guys guys guys guys guys guys all around. Seriously, frustrated being a guy among guys. So who else do I have in my life apart from guys, roaches, plenty of them I don’t even know if they are male or female ones ,but I am pretty sure they are male roaches seeing the way my life has been behaving. The only woman of my life has to be the one who trims my hair (great clips), those few minutes with my head between her hands has to be the best few minutes of my time so far in US.

So, what’s next? Nothing much…. waiting for my next visit to great clips for a haircut  ;)

The First Summer…

 Just before I started  this journey , I was edgy about how things would turn out here.A struggled past(not without a purpose) ,an uncertain future(not without hope), handful of money in the pocket, worrying debts and a new set of ambitions is what I carried along with me on to this land.a5 days into my life here and am already feeling rejuvenated. Its actually raining outside as I am typing this, with a glass of orange juice next to me, a cockroach moving on the screen. My thoughts are wandering around the waterfront deck where I have been last evening and the can of Budlight beer in the fridge.I am going to take care of both once I am done posting this. The initial butterflies have settled down , a childhood friend and room mates who are easy to get along wth,a very large indian community is making me feel like home.Although I am missing home very badly, the pace of life here will get me over it in a short time for sure.And the best part, I managed to find a job in a lab over here as an Research Assistant which means i dont have to worry about my fees and living for this semester(atleast).It wasnt as easy as it looks, especially when I chose this college over another one which offered me a scholarship, for one reason that I preferred a life which wouldnt be easy. I kind of started liking a tough life over an easy one for one strong reason, it always brings out the best in me.And above all I wouldn’t have known my hidden passion for writing if my past wasnt what it was.

So we celebrated it by going to the Granby Club that evening. 4 Budlight cans and 1 tequila shot and was already flying although that didnt get me on to the dance floor. I was at the bar counter watching every pretty women dance their way into the night.I should say of all the mexican women are spicy .Although its a little sad sad that Desi girls here are always indoors, I would have loved watching them there .

Anyways, am very much excited about whats in store for me ahead.I know it wont be easy but I am going to like it as I chose this life over an easy one.My mind for now wont have much to ponder upon as I havent found a girl yet whom i liked here. So I should be alright till then .Now, I am off to my budlight can and dealing with my cockroach,bedbug(don’t want to be scratching in the wrong place here) mates for now. Will keep posting.

Btw… I have taken some of my writings offline,do let me know if you need to read them will send you the password those.

The perfect ending….

I didn’t have to wait much for the day to arrive. The day I assumed everything would end and probably my own life, and it was pretty much eventless with me sitting in my room and lost In my thoughts. Went to her house and watched the activity out there like a coward( I didn’t have the courage to go inside). Can’t remember for how many days I was the same. But things started to move slowly but surely. I accepted whatever happened and forced myself to move ahead now that everything was over. It was painfully tough taking each step from there but something inside kept driving me ahead.

 

Soon realized that I was so overwhelmed by the pain that I failed to notice there were far better things in my life to feel happy about rather than holding on to one painful experience. I held her so close to my eyes to see anything going around and I was the one to be blamed for that.My best friend was walking right by my side holding my hand all the while and I foolishly ignored her(between my best friend is my girl’s friend ). I started to reach out to old & new friends .Spent time with my family and one day things started to move (not by much though). There was still that part of me which hated her for some reason I had to figure out. Then a thought occurred to me like a flash, I sat down and listed out all those things which were wrong in my life and those which I blamed her for. Looking at that list a few things were related to her and most of it weren’t . It was very obvious that I lost her for ever but the love and memories I had with her didn’t had to end with our relationship. Thats when I decided to undo all those things (atleast most of them).

 

It wasn’t as easy as I thought, but life started throwing at me experiences which solved all those things one by one. As if someone read that list or the one above answered it, things started to return to normal. I got one old picture of her in my wallet which I thought I lost it(I blamed her for even this). Similarly I started to get back everything I lost. And few months down the line I see everything on the list were solved except one which was the toughest one and I knew it was my call and life would not be so generous about this one. I always blamed her for me not continuing my studies ,which was rubbish. She never asked me stay back although she never asked me to go either. So this was the toughest choice to make between living a well placed life or living a life with regret. But then I decided I don’t want to go through whatever I had gone through from an year again. At least not for her(probably another girl who might or might not come way, we will talk about this later.) This last step tested me to the extreme and I probably will write about it sometime.

 

So here I am all dressed up, just had one last ride on my bike which we rode on together. Ready to leave my home behind for the world ahead in pursuit of clearing that one last regret. I might look like a fool or I am already one. But it doesn’t matter as long as I don’t have anything against her. The reason I am writing about this right now with other important things to care of about my journey is that this is the one last time I am going to write about her. It will be a completely different life from now on. A question might arise wont I miss her? What the hell, I will surely miss her a loads but I have enough memories of her to live with. My 5 senses can still feel her presence. Her smile flashing around me, the scent of her perfume still lingering, I can still feel the warmness of her touch around my arms, her childish laughter echoing in years and the taste of her beautiful lips are all I have right now and probably this I what I will need for the rest of my life.

 

Life also answered one question which had been haunting me for a long time, if she wasn’t meant to be with me then why did she have to come into my life and then leave it. She came into my life to teach me how to love and then she left to teach me how to live. As my best friend always said everything happens for a reason, and there will be a point of time in life where you will understand that reason. Probably I reached that point of time at last. I thought our love story had a crash landing and it ended in a bad note. It wasn’t the end at all, Now I can call this the end with her happy with her marriage and I am learning to be happy as well. It is a happy but complicated love story in a way.

 

I wrote this one in a hurry approximately 30 minutes so the flow might not be that good as previous ones( assuming the previous ones were good, otherwise please ignore this part). But I liked this way of putting down my thoughts spontaneously. Will probably right about my journey to Unites States in my next and hopefully it’s going to be a happy one unlike the last time.

The final nail in the coffin..

Continued from ‘Life is designed by the choices we make 3′

Love is a funny thing. It isn’t easy to find it,when you find it then it isn’t easy to keep it and when you manage to keep it, it leaves you and when it leaves you it isn’t easy to get over it. Being a guy I thought it would be a lot easier only to realize it was the other way round.

It took me months to accept the fact that it was all over and I had to move on. It was a painful period where we were still speaking to each other just for the sake of not forgetting. At least she had a chance of forgetting me with that moron beside her. I was all alone, angry and frustrated. Everyone around were happy except me. My parents looked happy because they didn’t have to worry about her anymore, her parents were obviously happy and she looked happy too for reasons I didn’t want to understand. I knew every path that led to her house, the secret paths which I used to take to drop or pick her up, but didn’t have the courage to take the last few steps into her house. Foolishly, I kept staring at her house from far and tried to recollect those beautiful moments I spent with her there.

And few months later I looked at both of us and realized how much I was left behind. She fell in love with that moron and she looked so happy. That’s when I decided it was time to move on. I wanted to relish those sweet memories of her. I went to every place which reminded me of her. After which I decided I would move on leaving everything behind and carry just those beautiful moments. But life had different plans for me and it brought my hopes crashing down.

Fate brought me in front of a bitter truth about her which changed everything. Until then I imagined a thousand ways in which our relationship would end and this certainly wasn’t one of them. The feeling of being betrayed struck me like a lightning waking me up from a beautiful dream and threw me into this harsh reality. My whole past seemed to me like a lie. I didn’t have the courage to look back, I didn’t have the strength to stand where I was, I didn’t have any hope left in me to move ahead. I was stuck in that moment of truth.

Months went by, I sat for hours in my room staring into the darkness in silence. I forgot to smile, I forgot to dream and i forgot to live. I deleted every memory of her hoping it would just bring everything back to normal. But that didn’t undo whatever she did to me. Every beautiful moment in the past 5 years was overshadowed by this betrayal. Every night I closed my eyes hoping the next day would be a better one only to wake up to a harsh day with memories of her and the guilt of ruining my life with my own hands haunting me . I tried grieving myself to sleep but the tears on my pillow didn’t easy any of the pain. I was all alone even with people around me. I couldn’t speak to anyone about whatever I was going through and all I could do was to swallow those silent tears all by myself with the cruelty of her memories aggravating the pain . Everything around me reminded little of her and more of the betrayal.

Everything in my life started to fall apart, my parent’s health started degrading. My health wasn’t doing that great either, the everlasting gift this job gave me, my stomach ulcer, started getting worse. There were frequent quarrelling at home and if this wasn’t enough, the shit at my workplace got deeper with people screwing me from all sides. It looked as if everything attached to me got infected .Even with these going on, I tried to fool myself and people around putting up a fake smile.

I couldn’t ignore that part of me which loved her the most and a part of me which hated her the most. This feeling of hate & love was tearing me up from inside and turned me  into a maniac, I managed to find a soft copy of her wedding card and put it as my desktop image and added a count-down timer to her wedding date and stared at it day and night waiting for that inauspicious time to arrive.

Light at the end of the tunnel….

Shattered ambitions, dampened hopes, obsolete dreams, testing moments, heart-breaking betrayal, relinquished trust, constant humiliation, soothing friendship,parasites and learning of a life time.  On my first day in this company, a very senior person said one phrase which I still remember ‘No Politics’ . It took me a year to figure out what he really meant. It was ‘Know Politics’. I prefer not to elaborate much on this, as it would look like someone’s covering his inability to deal with something by preaching against it. I still can’t get along with it and probably not for some time.

At the twilight of this journey every moment here appears to be a special one, irrespective of it being a happy or sad one. Can’t believe this is the same old place which I hated the most and went through each day grumbling & cursing my fate for dumping me here. Not a minute passed by hoping for a miracle to undo whatever has happened so far. Had to go through each day with not many faces to trust around and probably others had the same feeling about me. Fake smiles and opportunism is what I had to deal with  here every day(including my own). It’s such an irony to see just traces of trust in a place which is part of an industry which is built on the essence of team work.  It was hard for me to digest the fact the there is only one way people here chose to succeed and that is by trampling down others. To show that you are intelligent you will have to prove the person beside you is a moron and to prove yourself right you need to prove the other person wrong.

Amidst all the unpleasantness, today when I compare myself to what I was 1088 days back apart from the weight I put on and the thinning hair line there are few things that went the right way. I cannot ignore the fact that this place taught me how to get up when pushed down. This is where I learnt the most important lesson of my life ‘Life isn’t about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and get up’(as said by Rocky Balbao).No matter what came by I grew stronger as each day passed by . This is where I learnt that even in dire straits you can find friends, as long as you have an open heart and ready to put forward your part of trust. I learnt not to be greedy(a question of being greedy can only arise when you try to save, and by god’s grace I never had anything near to what can be called savable, at least till the last few months). And most importantly this is where I could forget half my problems (because the other half of my problems were in this place).

I spent the toughest days of my life here and that is one good reason why this place is so special to me. When I look back all the above said things look trivial. All I can remember are those memorable hours I spent with my friends at the cafeteria looking at every good-looking women (thankfully we didn’t(couldn’t) go further than that).Sneaking out during office hours and landing up in Suraj bar,vennala mess,dominos(prominently it was only suraj bar:P) .Apart from that, show piece coffee machines, stinking washrooms, antique computers, beautiful moms(make no mistake about it ,moms here are prettier than others ), mind-boggling HR policies(I never bothered to read the HR policies as I knew one important note in the policies that ‘HR policies are subject to change without prior notice’ ) dreadful monday mornings(choking tie as an add on  ) , irritating clients and food that was prepared exclusively to be puked & flushed, all these together make this place worth remembering.

I hold no grudges against this place for I made only friends and not foes here . I gained more than what I lost. Missed out on a good start to my career, but I certainly got a learning of a life time and a direction which I can live with. If only people here are matured enough to make out the difference between Business & Exploitation, Use & Abuse, friendship & opportunism this place would be worth coming back.

The changing tides

I am back after a long break. I am sure some of you were cursing me, that I haven’t completed the last part of ‘Life is designed by the choices we make ‘ (you might have to curse me for some more time, as I don’t have any plans to complete it in the near future,for I have to be in a really good/bad mood to complete that. Right now I am in a disturbed state of mind ). Anyways, I am back that’s more important. The reason I went into hiding for a while was to figure out my next step in life.

Most of you knew I wanted to do an MBA(**aimed for the stars),but as time passed by, I realized that there was nothing specific I wanted to do other than getting out of this hell.In this process I also realized it’s always good to have a backup plan for anything you plan in life,like I did in this case.Trust me, life is easier if you have backup plans for everything,or almost everything( Wish I had a backup plan for my girl too.Well… I guess it would have been tougher in this case, being single is really a blessing. ).

Well, coming back to the point, my backup plan was doing a MS(a relatively easier option,however not easy by any means).I gave my GRE 3 years back, just for the sake of giving it, so that I could spend some time with her after the exam. I didn’t get the girl(fortunately or unfortunately),but I got the score to make use of. So it’s decided that MS(**landed on the Moon) is my next step, at least for now.It might be a risk as many might think. Funny thing is that even I know it’s a risk, but the point is, what did I achieve so far playing safe? Nothing, absolutely nothing. So it’s high time I started flirting with things in life rather than being a passive spectator.I can always come back to the MBA plan with a larger trunk(my ever-growing tummy) and a Balder head after a few years. Like I said,there is nothing specific I want in life, but I do have a hidden ambition behind this choice, will write about it if things shape out as expected . Anyways, I also need a break from keeping my eyes open for anyone waiting to stab  me at the back. The minute I blink, people are all over me dumping me deeper into the ground.I have to say that the plan isn’t finalized yet, my life has always been a surprise package, and it will be no different in this case too. So, don’t be surprised if I write a new post about a new plan in the next few weeks .

Waiting is really frustrating, especially when you know there is no point staying at a place where you never wanted/want to be. I should have left long back,may be I have over stayed my stay here. But I wanted to make sure I don’t land in a deeper pit.It’s pretty hard to focus, with friends of mine breaking out of this prison. The faces I trust are disappearing one by one. I gave myself some time to really find out what I want to do next. I didn’t want to make the same mistake again.I landed in this place with great difficulty(after being rejected by 5 companies). I should have understood, my life was telling me ‘ You are not ready yet’. I forced the issue,for reasons very obvious, to an extent that it landed me in such a disgusting place(Lesson learnt: Dont force your fate much).

Just when I thought everything was going on well and the stage is set for my peaceful exit in the next 4-5 months, a new player entered the field.This player thinks he can rule & tame the team and put on a sober face (a face worth pooping on) to make us work better.First, we are not animals to be tamed. Second, no one can rule a team at the most they can lead the team(at least that is the definition of a leader as far as I know) and lastly it doesn’t matter whether he puts a grim face or a happy face,he looks the same either ways.And people around are licking his feet to join the band wagon of canny monkeys(Including the elephant I talked about, in my ‘Life x 44 rupees’ post, this elephant is always around making life hell for everyone out here) trying to rule a bunch of helpless humans. The game is getting hotter along with the weather, and I am pretty much up for it.I may still be a rookie in this game but I have stayed here long enough to deal with it.BRING IT ON!!!!!

The Wretched Triangle…

Below is my narration of an incident in my friend’s life.

Life’s always been a roller coaster ride for me. Beers, smoke, linking -park,friends,speeding on bikes and cars(that includes speeding tickets as well).It was the same for 24 years and will be the same for the next 36 years too(wondering what’s with the left out 36 years?, it’s simple, which saint is going to live for more than 60 with all these good habits). Well there is one important thing missing in that list,women(well with that its never a roller coaster ride its always going to be a bumpy ride). I am not that kind of a guy who is usually behind every pretty women, they do exist in my life but they havent been anything important than my usual friends. I am absolutely straight(trust me) and I do watch them for a moment, its just that I dont have enough  space in my life which is usually filled with smoke(automobile and tobacco), beer cans and friends. This roller coaster ride hit a nasty bump on the day I got my much awaited job.

My company arranged a dinner with the consultancy,through which I got the job, that evening.It was for three of us Me , Jack and Christie.I was unusually nervous, this being a kind of formal dinner. But I was excited for one reason,Christie. It was unlike me running behind a woman,but she was amazingly beautiful and I couldn’t stop myself from falling for her.

Jack was already there by the time I reached the restaurant. He too works at the Consultancy. I met him last evening, he was pretty close to Christie. I thought there was something between them.I didn’t like him for that obvious reason and the second his rotten face.

Who else is coming for the dinner? I asked Jack even though I knew who else was invited..

Its you,me and Christie..He said looking uninterested..

Just then Christie entered, waving her hand towards us.Then I understood the real meaning of the phrase “Being Swept off my feet”. She was stunningly beautiful in a sparkling white skirt, neatly made up loose hair which curled at the ends, glittering ear hangings and even more glittering smile.

Sorry guys for keeping you waiting, had to drop my room-mate..she sat right in front of me.It was a four seater table she had to either sit opposite to Jack or me. But for some unknown reason she chose me. Naa…its just a co-incidence I thought.

My body was reacting strangely to this proximity with her.

Man!!! what is she doing to me, I said to myself looking at her.

Vinay!!! she exclaimed…

Congratulations, you are too good.The client is all praise for you.

Thanks Christie…I blushed..

So let’s get started…she said reaching out for the menu

I ordered my usual Budweiser large beer, Jack order red wine and Christie ordered One Bud-light beer.The drinks were served and Christie lifted her glass and she sweetly said “Toast for Krishna’s success” and then we started..

“So Vinay how often do you drink”,She asked with a smile on her sparkling white face

“I throw 2 empty cans of beer every night out of my apartment after I am drunk” I said and laughed

She laughed heartily.And then raised her right hand, for a moment I didn’t understand what was that for.

“Hi-fi, I am a serial drinker too” She said still laughing

And then we clapped our hands together.

“Do you smoke?” She asked sipping her beer

“That reminds me its been an hour since I last smoked. You have a smoke?” I said laughing again.

This time she laughed even more loudly and she rose her hand again and I didn’t need an invite. Hi-fi again..

The hi-fi’s went on for a while with most of the things in our lives turning out to be strangely similar.All the while we forgot there was another guy with us.She didnt show much interest towards Jack, something must be really wrong between them I thought.

We kept talking and the waiters kept refilling our glasses.We reached a point of time where we were seriously drunk.Now I felt that I was coming out, I not only realized that I was liking her but also realized that she was liking me too.

My imagination wandered to an extent that I was already thinking about how  my parents would react If I brought in a White girl as their daughter-in-law?? It shouldn’t be a problem I can convince them I thought.

Me Christie and dad, all can have drinks every night and may be my younger brother can also join in too.One happy Family.Also I will have a company to  smoke and I can take her on my speeding bike for long drives. I planned the rest of my life with Christie in it.

But what about Jack?? I pitied him he must be heart-broken seeing the way I and Christie were getting along and then a brilliant idea struck me like  a lightning. I decided to talk about it to Jack.And luckily Christie got a call and she went out to talk.I moved closer to Jack.

Hey Jack whats up man? You don’t look normal today.I asked

“Nothing I am fine” he said looking away.

“Look, I know it is hard for you to go through all this, but we can work out a deal” I said smiling

Jack put up a questioning face

In our conversation earlier Christie spoke a lot about her room-mate Jennifer.I decided to develop something between Jennifer and Jack.That way I don’t have to bother about him anymore.

“Christie likes me and I like her too. I will speak to Christie and we can get something to happen between you and Jennifer, Christie’s room-mate what do you say?”, I said and winked at him

I either expected Jack to be very happy or very upset when he heard that. But he burst out laughing. For a moment I thought he was happy. But it was  something else.This time I looked at him Questioningly…

“What makes you think she likes you?”, He asked still laughing..

He was trying to cover-up his disappointment…

“I know it”, I smiled still sipping on my beer..

He sipped into his wine and started laughing again…

I started to say something..

“Jennifer and Christie are in a relation”, he said bluntly..

I looked at him blankly.

“You heard me right, they are in a relation”, he said keeping a straight face..

I forced myself out of that shock..

“You are joking right?” I said, now I was trying to hide my disappointment.

“Who is drunk, you or me?” He asked sipping his wine again.

“And why should I believe you?” I asked frustratingly looking at Christie who was still busy in her call.

“It’s up to you on whether you want to believe me or not..But I will give you a reason why you should” He said and took out his mobile and started punching  the buttons on it. He poked his mobile at my face.

It was a message. A message from Christie.I couldnt believe what I was reading.That message wasnt for Jack, it was for Jennifer , Christie sent it to Jack by mistake.Christie and Jennifer were in love, I wished it was a lie. I could feel stars over my head.

That explained why she brought up Jennifer’s subject in our conversation more often than needed.I emptied my glass in one go and banged it hard on the table, trying to gulp in the beer and my grief at the same time. I asked the waiter for a refill.

I sat with my head down trying to digest the whole mess. I could see from the corner of my eye, Jack rose his right hand to mimic the hi-fi’s I and Christie had earlier. I could see his cruel smile when he did that. It was really embarrassing.I ignored him.

I looked at Christie who was still outside, everything was so perfect about her but why isn’t she normal? All my plans and dreams fell apart like a pack of  cards.I even explored ideas of bringing her into my life somehow, it would be like a 1+1 festival offer, I would get Jennifer too.That meant a bigger room,larger bed and more beer and cigarettes.  3 of us drinking,smoking and 3 of us in whatever we do. Now how can I fit in the 3rd person on the bike rides I planned? practically I could, but may be I would have to sit between them and one of them would ride the bike.I also tried to imagine my parents reaction if I brought in, not one but 2 white daughter-in-laws. It was a weird equation, I dropped it right away.

She came back and sat down.

Lets order something to eat she said looking at the menu.Just then an old friend of mine passed by my table. I wasnt in a mood to be surprised or be happy on meeting a friend unexpectedly.I kept the conversation short and he left.

“Is he your friend?” She asked

I was lost in my thoughts ,I didn’t hear her or may be I ignored her on purpose.

“Vinay, is he your friend?” She asked again..

I came back to reality

“No!!” I said sharply,she was startled by that

“He is JUST a friend” I said and looked away..

Life x 44 Rupees

For the last 60 odd hours I hardly had 12 hours of sleep and I don’t even remember when I last ate something edible. I am sitting in the Frankfurt airport waiting for my flight back to India, typing on the laptop that troubled me for the past 16 hours. Even now I opened it only to charge my iPod. On 12th september I started this journey hoping I would write one blog a week during my stay here. And I actually was ready with 4 blogs, one for each week. But just the night before my departure I deleted all 4 of them. Now,I am writing this half asleep so anyone who is offended by what I write I apologize.

A brand new Old Navy jacket, Aeropostale t-shirt,Old Navy jeans,Puma hat, Adidas shoes on me and a iPod Nano Touch in my pocket all summing up to around 250$ worth and most importantly happiness worth 0$ inside me.I barely remember what I ate for the last 48 hours. My eyes and stomach are burning due to lack of  sleep and food. My hands aching carrying luggage which is not even mine. Family and Friends are happy that I came here and that was some kind of achievement, for me it was a complete waste of time and energy . As I am writing this I realize WiFi isn’t free in this airport so this would be a rough draft of what I would post after 12 hours from now. You might be wondering why I am taking this pain now. I just want to do it now because my frustration is shooting emotions out of me and I didn’t want to waste this and I didnt want to waste any more time on this trip directly or indirectly on which I already wasted 30 precious days of my life.I still dont know what I got for myself in this trip apart from the shopping I did but I guess this trip gave me a learning of a life time for sure.I learnt to be selfish, I know that isnt good.But when you are in a group of wily foxes you only have 2 options, either be as clever as the rest or find a better place for yourself, being neither is going to starve you to death. I didnt have the latter option, atleast for now, so I had to be
selfish atleast I tried and dont know how far it was successful.

I was frustrated to an extent that I carelessly dropped my passport while I was getting off the cab at the Austin airport and didnt even notice it. Luckily the cab driver was a friend whom I met few days back(Sunny Bhai from Pakistan). He gave me a lecture like my grandpa used to, before giving me back the passport. I didnt mind, he helped me, and I was grateful for that. Wish I met people like him in the last 30 days more often.

My workload here was almost thrice of what I had back in India.I never had problems dealing with that, because working hard wasnt my problem, liking what I did was the biggest problem. I never liked this work and I am pretty sure I will never like it through out my life.I could force myself to like it for a month,dont think could have pushed myself for more. I never wanted to be in Austin in the first place, my heart was stopping me. But I was curious about what was stopping me from going there. I wanted to make sure that wasnt because I was afraid to be here and work with the client sitting  right under my throat. That was one of the reason I came here hesitantly, to test myself.My friends even now complain that I never told anyone about this trip. I never told because I never wanted this trip in the first place.I didn’t find it that exciting to call everyone and boast about it.

I was never happy here, but fooled myself that I was.I thought being in the crowd would change my life.It did change, but from bad to worse. I was stuck in the middle of a cold war between people here. I ignored it until it started infecting me.I dont know how anyone would feel when the night doesn’t soothe the wounds of the day and you struggle yourself to sleep only to be waken up by cold words which shatter the left over bits of peace the night brought into you. The day becomes even more tougher, I have to put up with people’s jibes on my work which looked like they were meant to belittle me. It doesnt stop there,also had to keep up my spirits with discouraging words shooting from all sides. I had no reason to be discouraged neither did I have anything encouraging to keep myself going. But with all this happening I realized that this is the real world and I have been living in my dream world till now. I am glad I came here which brought me face to face with reality that there is no value for relations in this corporate world.

1 week went by, 2 weeks and 3 weeks, I then realized my ambitions werent driving my life anymore, its the money that was driving it here.For every decision I made , money was a major stake holder in that. That was the last thing I ever wanted to happen. And then my manager gave me a shock asking me to extend my stay here may be for another 2 months.May be she liked my work or may be she couldn’t get a better working and less paid donkey than me.I instantly said a firm NO.It was the first time I ever said a confident NO,guess life was making me tougher. With each day I was here, it felt like I was moving away from where I wanted to be.I hardly found time for myself, I would run in the morning waking up at 7 and then reached home at around 10 in the night after having my dinner at srikanth’s apartment.I collapsed on the bed the moment I reached my room, and my usual  sound sleep deserted me and I started having disturbed sleep.I had no other option but to switch to Smirnoff Breezers to put me to sleep every night, I kind of started liking them.I tried to fit in time every now and then to call some of my friends atleast once. I know many are cursing me right now that I didn’t call them frequently or I didn’t call them at all,sorry guys hope you understand now.There is a TV back in the hotel but I never watched it. I heard people talking about those spicy movies they show from Thursday nights to weekend. Normally I would have been very excited. But I wasnt, I realized I didn’t have enough time for that. Even if I had the time to watch them, I didn’t have the energy to do anything about it after watching it. So there was no point watching it. After week 3, not a day went by where this silly thought didn’t cross my mind “Shouldnt I have taken that offer of staying back?”. I knew it was always a tough job making a choice.But it was tougher staying with that choice after you choose one. I wish I wasnt this stubborn, my life would have been much easier or may be this is how I wanted my life to be.

Coming to the good part of the trip,everything here is so attractive including the girls. Thanks to the hot weather I got to see minis and micro-minis which made it even more hotter.On the other side I was forced to see an elephant which was forced into skin fit jeans.Or may be the jeans was forced onto the elephant, If I can put it that way. I was glad this elephant didn’t find minis and micro minis.I didnt find much to do on weekends, in fact I wanted to do a lot going to those strip bars but I didnt have the right company to take me out. I was all alone even though I was in the crowd. Meredith my Big Boss,occasionally took me out for dinners which were like a few breathers I had in this trip. She took me to good mexican restaurants and also dinner alongside a beautiful sunset at Lake Travis. May be that was only day in this whole trip I would call memorable. A beautiful sunset, a beautiful boss and even more beautiful Pedrina, you must have seen her snap in my Facebook profile.I know most of you think she is a little older but she was better than what she looks in the photo. Unfortunately she was married so I had to stop with just a photo, not that I was daring enough to go any further than that.

I am really happy that I am on my way back.But I would surely miss the mouth-watering minis and micro-minis, my beautiful Pedrina,messed up hotel Room, my daily walk to work,the target store where I got my breezers,the sweet receptionist at the hotel who always used to give me a sweet smile every morning ,srikanth’s apartment,free coke cans in the office pantry which I had more often than water, the Nutella bread spread which served my midnight hunger and the delicious food Hari,srikanth and Nagarjuna cooked,on which I survived these 30 difficult days. I would surely miss my work too, as I wouldn’t be working this hard, back in India.If anyone asks me would you go back if given a chance, I can only say “Not in a million years”

Life is designed by the choices we make…(3)

She shut the door behind us, before I could do any thing she hugged me tightly which was exactly what I wanted to do .I hugged her back in a reflex(what would any guy do when the most beautiful girl hugs him,ofcourse there would be other things that he would want to do but I preferred to just hug back atleast for that moment),I fell off balance. and unknowingly we got pushed to a wall. I was finding it difficult to breath, partly because she was hugging me that tightly and partly because she was hugging me…

She was not that tall, she could reach my chest. She rested her head on my chest and time flew just like that..I was tired from the journey , may be we can do this even sitting ,I wanted to say her  but I didnt want to spoil the moment.She missed me as much as I did,may be more than me..

She lifted her head and looked into my eyes

What?? I asked..she just nodded her head.

she broke the silence..Why are you so disturbed..she asked

Nothing, I am finding it hard to breath can you hug me a little softly… I said..

She giggled and hugged more tightly..May be I would died of suffocation but it was worth it.

I couldnt control myself anymore,lowered my head to reach her and just pressed my lips on her,She didnt stop me she just closed her eyes, she always complimented me that I kiss very well.I didnt know people can kiss differently, its all the same I thought. A kiss doesnt have a taste yet its so sweet. I moved back waiting for her to react…she stood there closing her eyes..now she tried reaching me she was on her toes and trying to reach me I moved away to tease her…she punched me in my stomach..she always liked punching me for fun

awwww…I said..

dont play…she said and closed her eyes again…

It looked like an invitation for something, we lost our sense of right or wrong. I am in the arms of the most beautiful girl and nothing is right or wrong for this moment…We kissed again I cant remember for how long but we reached a point of time when we were breathing so heavily.She stopped and looked into my eyes.I was about to take the next step and I was sure she wasnt going to stop me.

Just then my phone and the door bell rang at the same moment..it startled both of us..we moved away unwillingly..I will take care of the door..you go freshen up she said..

I already felt freshened up with that little exercise…

I looked at my phone it was mom…I said I would call her the moment I got down at the station and I forgot about that in all the excitement..

Hello… I said still catching my breath..

I thought you said you would call me ..mom asked..

Mom, I forgot just reached and was about to call…

where did you reach…  she asked…

To my friends place…just then my girl shouted my name.

there was silence at the other end, and I was silent too..I didnt know what to say..

I wanted to change the subject, what are you doing I asked?

What are you doing?? she asked me the same question…

while I was figuring out what to answer..the next question made it even more difficult…

and why are you breathing so heavily??

My mom was pushing me too hard with these questions…

I just climbed the stairs mom…I knew she wouldnt believe

and my girl called my name again.. both my mom and my girl weren’t making it easier for me…

And to my mom it looked very straight..i and my girl were staying alone, I was breathing heavily and she was shouting my name again and again it was very obvious to anyone..

I just remained silent hoping the storm would pass by…

we will talk when you come back and dont call me until you reach here she said and hung the phone…

My girl shouted for me again..What?? I shouted back…

What happened?? I was looking for you…she said softly

I didnt say anything.she came close to me and placed her palm at the side of my face. She always used to do that, she knew I liked it..it felt so warm and safe when she did that .
Go get ready we are getting late for the movie…

What movie? I didnt come here to watch a movie… I said sadly

I know,  but we still have time after that and she stopped half way..

What did you come her for?? she asked wearing a mischievous smile..

I came here to talk…I said seriously..talk about our future…

Her expressions changed…she looked worried..

What happened?? I asked…

nothing go get ready we can talk after the movie. she said and walked away..

I didnt even know which movie we were going to, I was much bothered about what we were going to talk after the movie..

I got ready in a short time and she too..she never spent time on makeup like most girls do.. but she always made sure she looked pleasing..atleast for me..

While i was waiting in the hall for her..she came out with a pink top and black trousers..she swept me off my feet..

I just stared at her ..

you can watch me all day, come lets go..she said and dragged me out of the house..

she took me in a public bus…all the way she just held on to my arm with both her arms, resting her head on my shoulder.We didnt speak much,we didnt have to. All the pain from past few months due to work just faded away in an instant.we reached the theater, it was a telugu movie.

Like always I rested my head on her shoulder and played with her fingers.. I always liked to play with her fingers… and I didnt know when the movie finished.. she took me to Mc Donalds after that.We had our lunch there and had our favourite dessert soft-serve chocolate.. we always used to order one and share it..

What next? I asked..

there is a beach down the road lets go there..

I just nodded.Didnt care where she was taking me,as long as we had enough space to talk..

It was just down the road the beach was beautiful waves coming in and there was a cool breeze blowing across the beach, a perfect place to spend sometime with her I thought

It was almost evening.. we found a bench and sat there..she again held onto my arm and rested her head on  my shoulder and I was already holding her hand and playing with her fingers…

Someone had to break the ice, I was waiting for her to do it..

so wats next? I asked casually..

Ice-cream she said..giggling ..

I am talking about our lives idiot..

I got the same silence i used to get in the phone when I asked her this question..

I asked her the same question again. she moved away and didnt look into my eyes..

I dont know how to say this to you hari..my parents fixed the last guy who came to see me last month.

Those words hit me like bullets in the heart…I was stunned for a moment, got hold of my senses and unknowingly my eyes started to water..

I was silent now, “I thought that didnt work out..they never called back…”

“they called a week back and everything got fixed in this week.” she said with a sad face..

“And you are telling this to me now?? After everything is settled?”..I asked.

“I didnt know how to tell you, I wanted to tell you when you came here..” she wasnt looking into my eyes yet

“What difference would it make if you tell me now.. its still the same”..I said disappointed that she hid it from me.

“And when all this was happening you didnt say anything to your parents??”

She just nodded…

“Great, you loved me more than anyone else…but you didnt love me enough to give it a try and speak to your parents about me..and I like a fool kept changing my life just to be with you.One day you wanted to go for higher studies, I never wanted to before that but the moment you said that I decided I would go too.. and we made our preparations together,wrote our exams together and a week later you said you didnt want to leave your parents and go for higher studies..Even then I didnt think for a second and dropped those plans right away..

At every point in these 5 years I just played with my life just to be with you.I should never have trusted someone who never spoke about our relation to anyone not even closest of friends..i should have realized it then …

I didnt look at her.. I expected she was crying.. I looked back at her..she wasnt crying..she was looking at me …the most beasutiful face in the world for me looked like the most saddest one now..

“How are you saying these things??” she asked.

Its as hard for me as it is for you.I have been crying day and night this 1 week.. and you thought I was waiting for you yesterday night when you called me?

Yes I waiting for you, you knew only that,,,but what you didnt know was I have been crying for hours…

Things wont work if you cry..you have to try..I said bluntly

I cannot hari why dont you understand?

What should I understand.. a girl who says I am everything to her.. who lets me kiss her who lets me touch her.. and loves me to an extent that she is ready to stay with me alone for a night.. but she cannot talk about me with her parents??

What should I understand from that?? you tell me I will understand then…

you know how much my mother likes you hari..she treats you like me and my brother…you know what she will go through if I tell her about us.We have been cheating her hari,not you alone even me.She used to let me go out alone with you trusting us.And my parents will never accept a guy from other caste hari.. i know that… I have told that earlier too.. and on top of that you know what my dad is going through..

I almost forgot..her family was going through a very tough time.. her father had some serious professional problems and nothing was going right for her too.

And even with all these problems.. he wants me to get married ..

I said him that my marriage can wait..until these problems get cleared hoping I could buy sometime for us.. you know what he said..

I dont care about the problems.. your marriage will make me happy to an extent that these problem wont matter to me anymore. You still think i should talk him about you and create another problem for him? Would you do that?

I dont think so.. I know you and am doing exactly what you would have done hari.. you value relations above everyone.I learnt that from you.You must have forgotten  I always do things that i think you would do.. and you did the same too..

I dont know what is going to happen next with me.. but I know i will get through it because you are with me.I learnt so much from you hari.. you taught me how to love.. how to fight.. you think you are a loser because of your job.. but you dont know you are strong enough to go through what you have been going through from an year,…only reason you didnt do anything about it is me.
I am really sorry about that.. I wish I could give back these 5 years to you hari.But I know you wouldnt take that..you treasure these 5 years as much as I do…I didnt make a choice hari,you are my only choice.

I never heard her speak this much.I knew she understood me more than anyone else..but she understood me more than what I could about myself.

I didnt have anything else to speak.. she didnt have either..There was silence all around us.

It was 6 in the evening by now…I rose from the bench and said.. lets leave..

she too rose to leave..

how far is your house from your here..I asked

its just a few miles..

do you mind if we walk back?

She just smiled..

We walked and we kept walking without speaking a word..

we reached her house around 6.30…she opened the door and waited for me to come in..

can you get my bag…I asked

She didnt understand..why?? she asked..

I am leaving..

You dont have to leave hari..shut up and come in..

I just looked at her..

you wont get a ticket now anyways, so come in…

I reached for my pocket and gave her the ticket for the train today..

“I dont believe this, you came this far just for a day.”

I reached for my pocket again.. and gave her another ticket..

it was for tomorrows train..

“I came here to see you not for anything else..” I said

“1 day or 2 days depended on what your decision was.. I wouldnt want to spend a night with someone else’s “to be” wife…”

I could see tears roll in her eyes now.. I didnt move.I stayed calm..I had to go..

“ok just come in, give me 5  mins I will also come with you..” she said

ok take your time.. I am not coming in..i said looking away.,,

she looked at me for sometime..she understood i wasnt going to come in.. she went inside and came out with my bag..

we walked back to the road and took an auto.Not a word we spoke.

we still had an hour after we reached the station…

we sat at a bench ,..

“I guess you should leave,its getting dark, I can manage from here.”

She didnt speak.. she just kept watching me..I didnt want to look at her, if i looked into her eyes I would melt and break down..I wanted to be strong..which I wasnt..

“You know all my life I wanted so many things in my life.. and 9 out of 10 times i lost in getting what I want. but I never felt sad about it because I atleast tried..and that made me happy.You are the one i love the most and I am letting you go without even trying. I feel like a real loser now”

My eyes watered and my voice was shaking , i was finding it hard to breath now…

“I will have this regret through out my life no matter what happens.I dont regret loving you but I regret losing you”

She held onto my arms again…she started crying too…

“I wish I could do something hari.I really wish something miraculous happens and changes everything..I want to be with you hari,only you.” she said still crying..

I didnt say a word…Miracles just dont happen like that…we have to try I wanted to tell..but I couldnt…

Again the deadly silence.

“This guy who you are marrying..” I paused..

She didnt like it..but its the truth,..

“Why did he take a month to decide to marry you??”

“I dont know”, she said..

He must be really blind, I would have married you the moment I saw you..I thought

I know why these fools (only few) consider marriage as a shopping . They see a girl keep her in hold and go on shopping again and choose the best.I dont know if girls do the same but I hated men who did it.If you like someone and like them enough to be your life partner you wouldnt need a month to decide..

I hated him for one obvious reason of marrying my girl and now for this.. I wouldnt leave a reason to hate that guy..

“You want to meet him?” She asked

“No, I meet enough fools daily.Dont want to meet a new one..”I said irritated by that question..

I felt it offended her..I wanted to cover it up..

Look I know he is your “would be” ..I waited.

“And I am your ‘would have been’ “. I smiled hoping she would smile too.She jus gave a faint smile.Though it wasnt funny for me…I wanted to see her smile..

“I need time to get normal and dont expect me to be normal.Someone robbed me of my everything and I cant act like nothing has happened.It will always stick down my throat .I know it would for you too,so until then I dont want to meet him”

“But I also know you would move ahead..thats the beauty of a marriage.. and I hope everything goes fine with you.. but leave me alone for some days until I get normal”

“I need you in my life hari your place is still the same in my life” She said wiping her tears..

Yes, only there is another vacancy now in your life which your ‘would be’ is filling and why do you need me in your life to change your ‘to be’ born baby’s diapers? I said to myself.

My mind wasnt stable, its loving her for a moment, its cursing her the next moment..

She kept speaking…

“And always keep looking at the pretty girls as you always do.I always said I didnt like when you did it before me..but I liked it just because I dont see that spark in your eyes when you look at some other girl. I only see it when you are looking at me and that makes me feel special…you just like to watch beautiful things be it girls or anything else.. “

“I always see you like a child who wanders around the whole day..but comes back to his mom at the end of the day”..she said trying to force a smile.

she never spoke so openly before..

“And always keep that smile on,you have a very sweet smile hari, I mean it.I keep falling in love with that smile everyday and I hope a much prettier girl than me would fall for it as i did”

you are what I need, nothing else…and coming to falling in love again.. enough of a lesson for my life I thought..

I rose to board the train… she held my hand from behind..

“Wait..you dont have to go”.. She said..

“You can leave tomorrow.. I dont want to leave you like this..”

“Is that a worry or a pity??”, I asked.

“If its a worry you dont have to worry about me and if you are pitying me I dont need it either.If you have to pity someone pity yourself, you chose someone else leaving me who loves you the most and will be the one who will keep loving you till my last breath…”

she got irritated..

“its love and you will never understand it and coming to choosing people,I never chose anything hari.I didnt get a chance to choose you were my everything and you are still my everything” She started to say something..but she stopped..

I am clever enough to understand what it is…I replied back

yes you are very clever and thats why you agreed to pay the auto wala in the morning triple the usual amount..

I didnt have an answer for that…was I really that dumb as she said?? I couldnt stop a smile…

she smiled instantly too..

she hugged me softly…and didnt even wait for me to hug back.. and moved away..

“I put something to eat in your bag have it.. you didnt give me enough time to prepare something better” She said..

I watched her for a moment..I could see my whole life in her eyes and it was falling apart…

I boarded the train and didnt even look back…